


You look like heaven (and I feel like hell)

by x_LittleDarkOne_x



Category: Monsta X (Band), No Mercy - Fandom
Genre: After No Mercy, Alpha Lee Minhyuk, Alpha Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Alpha Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Beta Chae Hyungwon, Beta Lee Jooheon, Beta Yoo Kihyun, Breaking Promises, Breaking Up & Making Up, Changkun lies, Changkyun is hurting, Cigarettes, Denial, Eventual Smut, F/M, Heat Suppressants, I.M needs a big ass hug, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Insecure Im Changkyun | I.M, M/M, Mentioning Past Rape, Multi, Non Graphic Rape Elements, Not forever don’t worry, OT7, Omega Im Changkyun | I.M, Omega Verse, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polygamy, Pretends that he’s an alpha, Probably non graphic idk, Revelations, Scent Marking, Scent blockers, Toxic Relationship, Underage Rape, Wonho x original female character, angsty af, hyungs love maknae, mxmxmxmxmxmxm, sexual favours, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2019-10-31 21:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17857019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_LittleDarkOne_x/pseuds/x_LittleDarkOne_x
Summary: Keep your head low and your gaze lower. It is the only way you’ll survive.He doesn’t care if suppressing it kills him.They can never know that he’s an omega.





	1. Help (I’ve lost myself)

**Author's Note:**

> So that things are clear:
> 
> I.M/Changkyun - Omega but on suppressants.
> 
> Kihyun - Beta
> 
> Shownu/Hyunwoo - Alpha
> 
> Wonho/Hoseok - Alpha
> 
> Jooheon - Beta
> 
> Minhyuk - Alpha
> 
> Hyungwon - Beta

Express no emotions. Keep your head low and your gaze lower. It is the only way you’ll survive.

The suppressants between his fingers are cold, cold like fire on ice and yet they burn his skin mockingly as he hides them out of sight. His breaths are gun-smoke and he is loaded, aimed, the feeling beneath his tongue is wrong, the churning in his stomach is almost criminal. He needs to go and drug himself up, to rid his hormones of these overwhelming scents before he goes off like a bullet in a crossfire.

Before he knows it the pills are between his lips, one, two, three for good luck and then he applies his scent blocker, sprays on the artificial smell of pine and thyme. The needle by the sink is filled with a colourless fluid and he lifts it to the vein in his forearm before pushing it down, barely wincing as his arm spasms slightly and he removes it, snapping the needle off and carefully wrapping it up before exposing of it. 

Only then does he allow himself to smile, eyes flicking to his pale skin and blue lips, ignoring the freezing cold proximity of his skin as though he is made of ice. He takes a deep breath of relief. All it takes is a bright face and soft smiles and no one will ever be suspicious.

They’ll never know.

+

“Changkyun. I need your help.”

He stands to his feet, swaying for a second before composing himself, twisting his face into a smile.

“What is it, hyung?” His voice is tight through gritted teeth and his fingers itch. He can’t help but to feel like the pills and the shot didn’t work but even the thought is ridiculous because he is in a dorm full of alphas and betas and it doesn’t take a genius to sniff out an omega in pre heat.

No no. He needs to stop. He’s an alpha, he’s an alpha. He isn’t anything less. He isn’t. He won’t be.

He can’t be.

“I need your help to carry some of these boxes to the trash. They’re pretty heavy after we just cleaned the dorm out.”

Changkyun huffs. “Kihyunnie hyung.” He adopts a cute tone in an attempt to evoke pity from the elder. “Why me?”

“I need a big strong alpha to carry all this.”

Any words of protest escape him and he lowers his head compliantly, arms straining as Kihyun places the boxes into his arms, biting his tongue as words of protest threaten to spill off of the tip of his tongue.

He is an alpha, he is an alpha. He is strong, he is fearless. His mates can not be more than him.

Even though it hurts he doesn’t hinder or break because if he shows weakness now then he is out and what would be the point of having suffered so much for so long just to have everything broken - so quickly, so effortlessly?

There is a reason why he was hesitant in agreeing to becoming a pack within the group, he had known even then that eventually they would see through his lies, he would be lying even now to say that the lies in his words are not at the very least translucent. Then again, after years of casting a fragmented distortion of what is real and what is not, he has developed a knack for twisting what is true and sounding believable as he does so.

But he knows that he can keep this on for only so long. He knows better than any that this cat and mouse game will only go on until the mouse is caught. He knows that he can’t act like his lack of ruts is down to unsettled hormones forever. He knows that they are a pack and it is only natural for them to want to scent one another and be scented. He knows that it will be impossible to hide anything once that time comes.

He knows. Hell, if he doesn’t.

He places the boxes next to the trash outside which is ready to be picked up and Kihyun smiles gratefully, arms going around the younger male.

“My Kyunnie.” He nuzzles into his neck near his scent glands and it takes Changkyun everything within him not to go rigid. “What would I do without you, hm?” He brings him closer and presses a sweet kiss to his lips, letting it linger for a moment before moving back and Changkyun can feel his cheeks burn. 

The rest of the pack are usually extremely touchy with each other, insinuating skinship every moment they can and it is nothing unusual - except they usually keep a slight distance from the youngest, respecting his comfort zone and keeping touches to the minimum. It’s not often, but sometimes Minhyuk brushes his fingers over Changkyun’s hands or Hoseok wraps his arms around him for a second of pure indulgence and sometimes he even gets quick pecks on the lips when they can’t hold it anymore.

He doesn’t complain. If it were up to him he wouldn’t be quite so conserved as he is, but with as much to hide as he does, he can hardly be all over his group members as they are with each other. Sometimes he even feels a sense of longing but he is quick to bite it down. He doesn’t belong here. This place is not his home. If anyone were to find out about him he would never have a chance to love at all.

Sometimes he lays awake at night thinking about it. He is only thankful that the group were quick to accept him into Monsta X after No Mercy, welcoming him with open arms once they stopped being so dramatic for the show. Of course there had been some awkwardness and furtive glances but a few months in and they have grown used to one another’s company.

He still hears the whispers amongst the other trainees though, words from those who have trained for years on end, waiting patiently to debut and never getting the chance to. He doesn’t blame them for being bitter but the rumours he catches in the wind turn his blood to ice, every time he hears them he can hardly breathe.

They suspect that he had gotten into the company having done sexual favours to earn his way in. The only reason that the rumours died, the only way that he’d saved himself was the fact that he was an alpha. Had he been an omega, they would never let him go.

His breaths are uneven as he pushes the thoughts from his mind, every time he thinks of it he feels dirty, dirty, dirty, he feels stripped of his rights and he wants to be sick. He had been young and a child and they’d had no right to touch him.

Perhaps it is out of pity that the company gives him his suppressants for free. It is no secret that the Monsta X members themselves had also suspected him of partaking in sexual acts before it became apparent to them that he was an alpha. Oh well.

What they don’t know won’t kill them.

He makes his way to his room, pausing for a moment as he picks up an onslaught of pheromones coming from inside before opening the door without knocking.

Inside he sees Jooheon and Minhyuk, both of them looking exceptionally busy with one another and both of them wearing very little clothes. Changkyun rolls his eyes before closing the door behind him and climbing to his bunk, rummaging for his phone beneath his pillow and trying his hardest to block out the loud moans and strong scents of lust from beneath him.

“Changkyunnie.” He looks up from his phone, eyebrows scrunching together as he huffs in annoyance.

“What do you want Minhyuk hyung?” His voice is endearing and he sits up sighing. 

“Do you... do you want to join us?” He is laboured when he speaks and Changkyun can tell that it is he is rutting. He has never thanked his suppressants more than in moments like this, especially since it dulls any kinds of arousal or eroticism. He laughs lightly.

“No thanks. You two just get on with it please.”

He suddenly feels like he needs to leave. If Minhyuk is in rut it will only mean that his senses are stronger and it won’t take him long to realise that Changkyun’a scent is hardly noticeable at all amongst the others. All it will take is for them to piece two and two together and Changkyun will be out, pack less and alone. Without suppressants or scent blockers and as a young omega he would become an easy prey.

Not that he hasn’t been subjected to the difficulty of being an omega before.

No no. He’s an alpha. He hasn’t been an omega for a long time. He doesn’t plan to be one ever again, even if it fucks him up.

He exits the room just as inconspicuously as he had arrived and he turns to see Hoseok on the couch, Hyungwon is undoubtedly sleeping in his room and he can hear Kihyun and Hyunwoo in the kitchen, their voices loud whispers filled with a sense of comfort. He pauses, a small frown between his brows and Hoseok inclines slightly, smiling upon seeing the younger.

“Come here Changkyunnie.” He says, opening his arms. “I feel like I’ve been deprived of your scent for so long I’ve almost forgotten what it smells like.”

What’s going on today? Why’re they all acting so clingy towards him?

“I don’t feel really well, hyung.” He says, and it’s true, an unceremonious feeling of foreboding has starting to nestle in his stomach and the older alpha pouts, folding his heavy biceps.  
“I’m sure that this is some sort of abuse.” He states and Changkyun huffs before moving towards the older male and pecking a quick kiss on his cheek, face turning red with shyness. Hoseok smiles contently and then frowns, fingers wrapping around the younger boys wrist.

“Changkyunnie.” He says and then sniffs lightly, arms coming around Changkyun’s waist, pulling him closer, burying his face in the maknaes stomach and inhaling deeply despite his protests. “Are you using a scent blocker?”

Changkyun can not control how cold he becomes, how his body almost stiffens and when he speaks his voice is jarred and on edge.

“Why would you say that, hyung?”

Hoseok sniffs again before pulling the younger into his lap, nose brushing against his scent glands and Changkyun struggles in the tight hold.

“Your scent is really faint, Kyunnie.” He murmurs, eyes flicking up to meet with the maknaes, and only then does he realise the compromising position which they’re in, Changkyun’s legs straddling Hoseok’s waist and the elders arms enclosing the younger. He has never been this close with another member. It’s strange but he can’t quite hate it as much as he wants to.

“I...” He fumbles with a coherent response. “It’s just that...um .... Minhyuk hyung is in rut and I used a light scent blocker because I ... so that we don’t... because I don’t...”

But Hoseok seems to understand the main part of what he’s attempting to say and nods in sympathetically.

“Oh okay then.” He says, though somewhat reluctantly. “But you know that scent blockers can have some nasty side affects so don’t make a habit of using them. If you don’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual at all, ever, you just need to tell us. We’ll never force you.”

The honesty and the sweet intentions behind the words prick tears behind his eyelids, bring back bitter memories of a cruel past and he holds onto Hoseok’s arms with slightly too much pressure to be gentle.

“Thank you hyung.” He says in a quiet voice. Hoseok smiles in response before carefully touching his lips to the other boys’ tongue tracing the outline of his Cupid’s bow and fingers coming up to knot into soft hair. The kiss is longer than what Changkyun is used to, it is passionate and gentle, Hoseok’s fingers caressing his face and when they finally move back it is to catch their breaths and to compose themselves.

“You taste like sunlight.” Hoseok says finally. “And strawberry bubblegum.”

Changkyun frowns. “Is that bad?”

“It’s not.” Hoseok shrugs. “Although it is a little sweet for an alpha. But I like it.”

_But I like it._

Changkyun hates people who say pretty things. They always end up being the most dangerous.


	2. Hold My Hand (i’m drowning here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please stop hurting me.” He chokes out. “I would never do this to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW just to be safe
> 
> It’s rly bad I’m sorry I’ll post another if y’all want. Thanks for all the support I love u guys so much xoxo

Don’t trust anyone. No matter what anyone tells you, everyone’s first instinct will always be to save themselves. You have to leave before you get left.

+

_“Don’t forget my little Kyunnie, I have given you a name and a worth. Without me you would be nothing. You’ll only ever be useful when you’re being used...”_

He wakes at night drenched in sweat with a heartbeat in his throat which reminds him he is alive, reminds him that even if he doesn’t want it, he’s been cursed with life and has to live. 

Humans are like tattooing machines. Perhaps those fingerprints aren’t really burned into his skin but he can’t feel clean whenever he thinks of what happened to him. Perhaps his broken bones and aches in his body have healed, but he still flinches whenever someone raises their voice. He’s never known a feeling of closure, not even when he is in safe arms, not even when he’s in solitude.

“Kyunnie?”

He can’t tell them why he feels sick whenever they call his name, why he can’t help the nausea which makes him dizzy when their fingers brush over his skin or when he wakes in the morning with one of their bodies pressed against him. The scent of alpha around him is like a drug and even if he wants to he can not get away from it. He hates it, this implicit weakness in the deepest parts of his soul, he hates himself for it.

“Changkyun, love. Are you okay?”

His gaze flickers up to ivory skin and onyx eyes, a soft smell of spearmint and thyme soothes his erratic heartbeat mildly and the scent of beta engulfs him, caresses him. It is a thoughtful gesture, but through the blockers and suppressants which are like a shield around him, it is not enough. Even if he was stripped down, bare to his bones it wouldn’t be enough and it never is.

“I’m sorry, hyung. Were you saying something?”

It isn’t that they don’t try to give him love. The people that they were on No Mercy is a distant memory. The alphas try to give him closure and the betas try to give him warmth but he can not erase pain from his skin as though it never happened. He is a liar and a cheat and if they ever knew who he really was then they would know that it is impossible for a person like him to be loved, much less give it.

Hyungwon’s gaze softens and he sighs, brushing the younger’s hair from his face, a tender gesture.

“You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

The laughter which falls from his lips aches, but what is another lie amidst the rest?

“I know, hyung.”

Sometimes he looks up at the stars and wonders what he did so wrong in his past life that the universe couldn’t love him back.

+

It is night and he lays in a wine red darkness with his body rigid. There is an arm laying over his torso softly, gently resting but it is like a cage encircling him and his breaths are heavy. He can hardly breathe.

They don’t understand, when they take him in their arms, their kisses soft and chaste, they don’t understand that he just doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want to be anything anywhere at all. They don’t understand that this kind of pain can not be loved away. It sticks beneath his skin, to the hollows of his body, it suffocates him, it eats him up from the inside out.

Changkyun turns his head slightly and sees Jooheon’s soft features, the roundness of his cheeks and the soft slant of his eyes. Even in the half light he looks beautiful and the tenderness in his sleeping face makes him look vulnerable rather than predatory, his beta scent of warm coffee and something mildly sweet wraps around him emitting calming waves and yet Changkyun can not help the fear inside of him like he always experiences if any one of them sleep beside him. 

He can hardly sleep in fear that his scent blockers or his artificial scent might disperse at some point in the night- he can not sleep because just the acknowledgement of another person with the capabilities to do so much harm to him is laying right beside him.

No. What is he thinking. This is Jooheon. This is Jooheon. Jooheon knows about how he becomes restless, how sometimes he can not sleep or eat or speak, he knows, he knows. And yet, Changkyun can’t help the fear. It might be irrational but it doesn’t take a few months to erase a lifetime of pain.

He sits up slowly, moving the older boys arm carefully and watching him in an acute contemplation.

 _Tell him._ His mind hisses. _Tell him how the nightmares haven’t stopped. Tell him that you’re not sure what’s real anymore._

His feet touch the ground as he slips out from beneath the covers, shivering slightly as he tiptoes to the door and out to the hallway, making his way to the kitchen. 

The light is on but the room is empty and Changkyun pours himself a glass of water, leaning against the worktop and exhaling sharply, his thoughts running like wildfire in his mind, his blood running like ice in his wrists and boiling at his temple and all he can think is how he is ruined and how his mind is a wreck and his body is an even bigger wreck. He swears that no matter how much blockers he sprays on himself he can still smell the scent of sickly sweet omega beneath it and god, he hates it, he hates it, there is nothing good associated with the scent of omega and he would do anything to tear out his identity and become a different person.

He can even see it in their eyes sometimes, how they are so tired of him. He feels like a black hole sucking in everyone he loves and cares about and draining them of life.

Sorry. He’s sorry. He knows that it’s his fault. It always is.

Amidst his thoughts he hears lethargic footsteps in the hall and turns around to see Jooheon in the doorway, his dark hair rumpled from sleep, blearily rubbing his eyes. He squints, seeing the younger boy at the sink, a small crease forming between his brows.

“Kyunnie. Why are you awake?”

He would reply, but his tongue feels like lead and his words get stuck in his throat and he doesn’t want to say a word, he just wants to be somewhere far away.

As though sensing this, Jooheon’s scent becomes stronger and he sends soothing waves of comfort towards the younger boy before moving closer toward him, chewing on his lip, a frown making its way onto his face.

“Say something.” Jooheon’s says, voice kind. “Anything.”

It takes him a sharp breath and tight fists to even say a word.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is a whisper. “I just can’t concentrate right now because everything’s a blur.” _And I’m not sure I want to be alive._

Jooheon’s expression turns to sympathy as he pulls Changkyun into his arms, stroking his hair gently.

“My Kyunnie.” He croons, nuzzling into the shorter boys neck, inhaling at his scent gland, a deep purr coming from deep within him, his scent sweetening almost dizzyingly. He moves back a moment later, the dimples in his cheeks deep and thoughtful. “I guess Hoseok hyung wasn’t lying about the scent blockers.”

He feels bad like he always does, he tries to pretend that the stabbing pain in his side which signals that his heat suppressant is wearing off doesn’t exist, he’s taught himself to feign nonchalance and taught himself neutrality like the back of his hand.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s only once anyway. I won’t use them again.”

Jooheon sighs before pressing a tender kiss to the corner of the other boys lips, holding him in his arms once again, the gentleness is almost overwhelming.

“You’re such a soft and messy thing.” He murmurs. “Nobody knows how to take care of you.”

He closes his eyes.

 _See, no one is even hurting you_. His mind rages on. _You keep doing this to yourself! It’s all YOUR fault._

“I’m sorry.” His voice is so small. He feels so small right now and like a child he craves for a soft gesture of affection. It is because he is weak. It’s because he isn’t really an alpha. “I know that it’s hard to love me.”

Jooheon pulls back and looks at him in the eye, his gaze is gentle and reassuring, his scent is almost intoxicatingly lulling.

“No Mercy is in the past, Kyun-ah. You know that we don’t feel like that anymore.”

He could laugh because they are so painfully oblivious, there are bruises beneath his clothes, his body is painted purple and blue from his violent use of suppressing pills, there is a constant ache in his abdomen and even a tiny amount of food sets him off, it’s almost laughable how little they know. He could be dying and they wouldn’t realise.

Forget that. He is dying. He always has been, on the inside.

“ I want to kiss you.” Jooheon’s voice is careful. Changkyun can clearly see how the dominance in an alpha differs from that of a beta. Hoseok or Hyunwoo or Minhyuk wouldn’t ask.

He is glad that Jooheon did.

“Then kiss me.”

Jooheon’s smile is filled with passion, his dimples deep, eyes closing as he leans towards the younger, one hand on his waist and the other cupping the base of his neck. His lips brush against Changkyun’s, a brief touch at first, tentative, careful before deepening the kiss and it is ecstasy. Jooheon’s lips are lush and thick and intoxicatingly sweet and Changkyun drinks him in. Jooheon pulls him even closer, the kiss is relaxed and slow and the younger feels dizzy as the elders tongue dances across his cupid’s bow and into his mouth and Changkyun can not help the low moan of pleasure which escapes his lips. He can not explain how, but the way each member kisses him is different in its own euphoric way but right now Jooheon’s tongue is making him feel things and for a moment his mind is clear and he is light and happy and free.

“Please don’t make out in my kitchen.”

It’s like a vice that pulls him out of his daze and Changkyun stumbles back, guilt pooling in the pit of his stomach, trying to ignore the flash of hurt which crosses over Jooheon’s face. His gaze flickers to Kihyun who stands in the doorway, blinking in confusion at the two boys, a frown forming between his brows.

“Sorry.” Kihyun says as the atmosphere thickens. Changkyun pretends that he doesn’t realise how Jooheon’s scent dulls, a festering undertone crawling into the sweet smell and in an instant Kihyun is beside him, arms around his cowering form, nuzzling at his scent gland and Changkyun takes it as his cue to leave.

He thinks about another world where he doesn’t need to hide who he is, a world where his hands are clean and his body pure, a world where they are allowed to love him and he is allowed to love them in contentment.

But he is here and the word omega is ugly over his head. He should have known that the need for affection was coming from somewhere which wasn’t him and yes, he knows that for a moment his omega had growled in dominance and taken over him.

His fingers shake as the veins on his arms spasm, he takes deep breaths as he moves towards the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

He looks at himself in the mirror, pale face and red rimmed eyes, he can’t decide who he hates more. 

Which is worse- what he really is or what he pretends to be?

\+ 

He waits in the bathroom with the shower on until he hears Jooheon go back to sleep and Kihyun moving around in the kitchen like he always does at some point at night. It’s a way that he handles things, making sure that everything is in perfect precision, a method of coping.

Changkyun turns the water off and moves to the cupboard, pushing it away from the wall as silently as he can and dislodging a floorboard. Beneath it are packs of the drugs he takes and as he rifles through it he pushes back boxes of blockers but finding non of the suppressing serum. His heart begins to beat faster in growing fear, willing there to be at least one syringe left and it is as though god finally hears one of his prayers because he feels the cold glass on his fingers and sighs in relief.

But it’s the last one. It’s the last one and the volume is mild and what had their manager told him? With so many of the new trainees presenting as omegas without a mate they’d run out of stock and had to wait for another shipment.

It only takes a moment for him to inject the contents of the syringe into his bloodstream and he feels his usual neutrality return to him along with the dizzying reality that he is so goddamned screwed.

_It shouldn’t hurt this bad but god, it does, it does._

All he has is a day. A day to find a solution. Or a day to come out in the open.

But is he ready to do that? He thinks about the wounds beneath his skin, the words which resound in his mind, is he really willing to risk anything that he has with his pack mates and tell them what he truly is? A person like him isn’t supposed to be an idol in a pack. People like him are lone wolves that find refuge in between the sheets of strangers and bank notes passed between pillow talks. They are not loved.

How pathetic. He doesn’t even know what love is.

“Who the hell’s taking so long in there?” A sleepy voice whines from outside the door. Changkyun notices the smell of pheromones drifting into the bathroom and wrinkles his nose at the strong scent of alpha, alpha, alpha.

“Ya!” There is a bang on the wood and the scent sours. “I asked a fucking question, no?”

Hell, Minhyuk is scary when he’s in rut.

He turns to the door and twists the handle, wiping the tears which had slipped down his cheeks. He’s met with deep red eyes with bare into his own, teeth which seem a little too sharp and fists clenched to hide the claws which had emerged in frustration.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” He whispers. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

But Minhyuk smiles and it is razor sharp and bitingly cold, his hands crawl to cup the younger’s waist and his lips begin to play at the nape of his neck.

Changkyun tenses, memories pool into his mind, and god, someone save him, he can’t even speak, his tongue is heavy and useless in his mouth and all he can hope to do is stand as still as possible and pray that he survives.

Minhyuk’s lips are hard and he sucks at the exposed skin, he bites down with as much force that his jaw has and Changkyun cries out in pain, hands coming up to push away the older boy but he had never been able to match with alpha strength. His resistance only makes Minhyuk press towards him closer and he wishes that someone would come to him right now and save him, someone, anyone.

His face burns with hot decaying tears, there are hands roaming beneath his shirt, he tries but he can’t fight it, there is blood on his lips and bad blood beginning to mingle in between the alphas laboured breaths and when Changkyun speaks his voice is tiny because he is scared, scared, scared.

“Please stop hurting me.” He chokes out. “I would never do this to you.”

And when Minhyuk pulls away his eyes are still deep red and Changkyun knows that it is Minhyuk’s alpha which is acting impulsively, this is not his boyfriend, and yet the fear is immeasurable. Because the eyes which stare at him with so much predatory lust, it isn’t Minhyuk and yet his mind has already added those claret eyes into his nightmares.

Almost as if to prove that this person hurting him isn’t the boy who knows him or loves him or cares about him, the alpha comes almost inhumanly close to him, lips brushing against his ear when he speaks.

“I’ve sunk my fangs into you.” His voice is sultry and low. “I own you now. I own everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof sorry.
> 
> Also I was thinking to turn this into a series and to write some one shots so that you get a feel for Changkyun’s relationship with the other members? What do u guys think? Maybe send me some ideas or suggestions 😊
> 
> I’ll also write a prequel which explains Changkyun’s past at some point so please anticipate that as well! ❤️💕


	3. Cross Your Fingers (hope to die)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s a bad person. A dirty person.
> 
> Maybe he will never come clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know, it’s been so long, my writing has  
> He only gotten worse. Maybe I messed up, maybe I didn’t. Either way you’re going to hate me for this.
> 
> (Please don’t hate me. I love you all, thank you so much for 300+ kudos it means the world to me)

It hits him suddenly and square in his chest, one second he is ravenous, his mind dizzy with a fluorescent scent and he is inhaling it like a drug- the more he breaths it in the higher he seems to get- and the next second he is falling, he has his fangs an inch deep in regret and he is stumbling back with wide eyes. The lights are dim but not dim enough for him to miss the tears shining on a pale face, and it only takes him a second longer to realise that it is Changkyun who is leaning against the sink with rattling breaths, shirtless with the zipper of his pants undone and bruises upon his skin and fuck-

_Did I make those? Please tell me I didn’t._

-he feels regret clouding the sober parts of his mind but he still can’t think rationally enough to realise the full and complete severity of his actions.

_I’m supposed to say something._

_Is it my fault?_

_I should apologise._

He opens his mouth but he can hardly breathe let alone choke out a single word of remorse and Changkyun’s breathing only gets rougher. The harder he looks at the younger boys torso the stranger it seems, the purples and blue, the swelling, the deep discolouration, rapid breaths, he feels bad, but his body seems to ache more.

_Damn it, I couldn’t have bruised him that bad._

_You still hurt him. You should say sorry._

_What did I even do?_

_It doesn’t matter what you did._

_It isn’t my fault._

_Just say sorry._

“Kyunnie.” He starts, taking a step forwards trying to summon up some sort of explanation. When he swallows it tastes penny bitter and metallic and when he breaths the air around them is tense and bitter. But he always makes a mistake, always gets too ahead of himself and of course the younger boy flinches, fuck it he should have apologised first and made up a crappy excuse later.

_How hard is it to say sorry?_

_It’s one word._

He looks at the younger boy who hasn’t moved and he feels something writhe inside him, he swears that he smelt a sweetness which had drove him insane and they all know that he gets more impulsive in rut. Wasn’t it Changkyun’s carelessness for being in the way? He could have called out for help. Anyone would have come running- they all adore him and they would much rather die than have him hurt.

It isn’t his fault. An alpha is supposed to be strong. He always forgets his own strength until he is met with the maknae and is reminded how powerful he really is.

It isn’t Kyun’s fault either though, if he isn’t strong, and the apology is right there on the tip of his tongue. Every second that passes is like pouring salt into an open wound, the hurt only gets more profound on Changkyun’s face and the regret only grows deeper within him.

_Fuck it, you’re so disappointing._

_You’re losing him._

_Fucking apologise you piece of shit._

_You can’t lose him._

_You can’t._

“Kyun.” He tries again, taking another step forwards. Changkyun’s scent is muted and faint, a coppery smell heavy and lingering upon him, but that is Changkyun, that’s his scent, strangely familiar, strangely soothing. He reaches out a tentative arm in a futile aim to comfort the younger but he cowers away from him, something hard flickering over his usually mild expression.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” He hisses, and Minhyuk pulls back, surprised at the harshness in his tones, eyes widening in disbelief. Changkyun stares at him and the pain in his eyes is so raw, he hates himself, fuck it, he wishes he could take every finger he laid upon the other boys skin back, these hands, they don’t even look like his.

“Don’t ever touch me again.” Changkyun whispers. “I hate you, I fucking hate you, I told you to stop and you laughed in my fucking face, I don’t need your “sorry”’s I need you to go away, you’ve ruined this and you’ve ruined us.”

And he is gone, leaving the elder alone and staring in his wake, heart pulsing a beat too fast, lungs filled with shards of glass and he feels like he is bleeding, decaying. His apologies always come too soon, too late, and when they do they’re neither wanted nor needed.

_You’re too late._

He knows.

_You’ve lost him._

These hands are strangers’ hands. He’s lost himself too.

+

Changkyun is dancing.

It’s 5am and dawn has hardly broken, sunlight spilling through the warped windows of the practice room. The mirror stretching across the wall is almost taunting; his own image sickens him, the curve of his legs and the line of his waist, and he wants to erase it, bleach the scent of pain out of his skin, burn it off, even if it means unraveling himself.

The music is too loud in his ears, it makes his head throb, the beats pulsing in his temple and he lays back on the floor as it surrounds him. 

‘Trespass.’

Starship had introduced their debut song to them and their concept had been clarified immediately- it was all heavy movements and deep voices only showing, no telling- black on black, ripped jeans and gold chains and faking it until they make it. The lyrics had sounded toxic no matter what angle he looked at them from, and even now they reverberate around his head, nothing good, all bad.

He hates it.

He gets to his feet. He blocks out the feeling of fingers ghosting over his hips, clinging onto his waist, he ignores it, he endures it, dancing again.

_Can you really call this a crime?_

His breaths are too loud in his ears, he stumbles on every other step, steps up rather than down, moves to the left instead of the right. Goes back. Corrects himself. Does it again.

_I’m quickly going in, I’m quickly going in, trespassing._

His movements are too soft. Lethargic, light steps and shaking knees- he feels like he is drowning, head under water, mind in the clouds, the harder he tries the more he seems to mess up. Trying too hard. Not trying hard enough.

_Can you really say you hate this?_

The lyrics seem to merge together into one loud, dominant voice, it is like an anchor and he is pulled back to earth, he feels dirty dirty dirty, his regretful words turn into vices and circulate through his bloodstream, attach onto his organs and they become part of him, they choke him, he can hardly breathe. His knees hit the ground and it spins beneath him distortedly.

_Get up get up get up get up._

A sob rips from his lips and he puts his fingers over his mouth to stifle it. He can’t cry, he won’t cry, he is strong, his is brave. He is an alpha. 

(Fucking hell, he can’t get the feelings of those foreign fingers out of his mind, today taught him that familiarity does not lessen the fear that arises through touch. It felt the same, Minhyuk, the people before him, there is no difference. He had said no to each of them, none of them had cared-)

_Can you really tell us to stop?_

He is cold all over, he had rode the bus to the studio and it had been dark and quiet and loud all at once and he hadn’t felt real. Even now he has to dig his nails into his skin to remind himself that he is here and it hurts, it hurts so much.

His alarm buzzes and his head turns, it is 7am already and he stumbles to his feet, switches the music off and squeezes his eyes shut, head still aching.

It’s 7am and he still hasn’t been able to forget those red eyes, those sharp teeth pulled into a grin, marking his body, claiming ownership.

He pulls on the jacket he had picked up from the pile of laundry which was yet to be washed. He notices that it is Hyungwon’s, too long on the torso, long on the arms, slim on the shoulders and fitted at the waist. He shoves his hands into the pockets, wondering whether or not he has time to go to the manager and ask for a day off. Hell, he deserves a day off, a week off, an eternity to forget the images burned into his mind.

His fingers close around a rectangular box and he pulls it out, eying it numbly.

Cigarettes. 

He can’t find it in him to care, Hyungwon has sworn to the company months ago that he would quit the habit, but Changkyun pulls out a lighter too and realises that he’d lied, they’re all liars, all of them, the group has been woven off of deception, smiles too wide, eyes too bright and pain which is rooted deep within them.

He puts the cigarette box back into the pocket of the jacket but keeps the lighter for himself. He switches his phone on to see a torrent of messages, dozens of missed calls ranging hours back at he turns it off again, sinking back to the floor.

He’s a bad person. A dirty person.

Maybe he will never come clean.

+

“Changkyun!”

His eyes snap open. He smells him before he sees him, smoke and ashes and sandalwood and alpha alpha alpha. He sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and sees Hyunwoo stood in the doorway, his eyes are creased, lips white and pulled into a frown.

“Have you been here all night?” He demands. “Why didn’t you answer our messages? Or pick up our calls? You should’ve told someone where you were!”

Changkyun takes a deep breath as the leader moves towards him- what is he supposed to say? Should he lie? Why is he here, why is he sleeping in the practice room? Why didn’t he tell anyone he was going? What time did he leave? 

Why can’t he think of anything?

“I don’t know, hyung.” He whispers. “It won’t happen again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please don’t be angry.”

Hyunwoo’s scent festers, he smells furious, fuming, Changkyun has never seen him with so much rage and it scares him. He’s scared, he’s seen what alphas do when they’re angry, when they aren’t thinking straight. The words spill from his tongue before he can stop them.

“Hyung, hyung.” He says desperately. “I really thought I was dreaming, it was dark outside and cold and I couldn’t see the bus driver and I thought there was another girl on the bus but when I looked back I didn’t see anyone and I was scared, I bit my nails off completely and they’re bleeding now and it really really hurts, this really really hurts, please don’t yell at me, please.” 

There are tears on his face- it wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the full truth either but it makes Hyunwoo’s face soften and his shoulders relax and he sighs.

“Oh, baby.” He says, and his scent sweetens he sends waves of reassurance to the younger, who smiles as though it penetrates his shield, as though it calms him. Hyunwoo moves towards him, arms open invitingly, and how is he supposed to say no? How is he supposed to say ‘don’t touch me’ without explaining why?

“You should have told someone, love.” Hyunwoo is saying. “Kihyun was awake almost all night worrying. So was Jooheon. No one slept. You scared us.”

_You’re such a fucking burden, you’re disgusting, look what you’ve done. You’re hurting people who have never hurt you! You’re just as bad as Minhyuk._

“I’m sorry.” Changkyun says thickly. He moves into Hyunwoo’s arms, ignoring the prickling discomfort in the pit of his stomach, laying his head on the other boys shoulder.

“It’s okay.” Hyunwoo says softly, fingers gentle as they trace over his back and Changkyun hates the way he tenses, hates the way a bubble of anxiety raises to his throat and he swallows hard, trying to keep his breathing even, trying not to give anything away.

He’s an alpha. He needs to be strong.

“I spoke to the manager.” Hyunwoo says eventually. “He says that we can have a day off. How does that sound?”

_Terrible, fucking awful, you’ll have to see him, you’ll have to see him all day, those hungry eyes, that lust filled scent, say no, say you want to stay here, you can’t go back, you can’t, you have to be selfish here say no say no, you aren’t an alpha, you can’t protect yourself, just lie, just lie, you lie all the time anyway what difference will one more make? Say no, say-_

“It sounds great, hyung.” He says. “I can’t wait to spend time with you all.”

_If you were going to lie, you could’ve at least lied in your favour._

+

When they arrive back at the dorm, the first to pull him into a hug is Kihyun, who’s eyes are red and puffy and who’s scent is dull and shrouded with anxiety.

“Kyunnie!” He exclaims with a sob, holding the younger boy to his chest tightly. “Oh god, I was so scared! I was so scared, one second you were there and the next second you weren’t and I thought something happened to you! You didn’t even answer my calls I was about to call the police!”

“I’m sorry, hyung.” He says for what feels like the millionth time. “I really am. Please don’t cry.”

The beta kisses his cheek, eyes searching his face for any sign of hurt.

“You’re okay.” Kihyun repeats. “It’s okay. You’re fine.” He takes a breath. “Hoseok hyung used almost all the hot water when he showered. You’re going to have to shower with Hyungwonnie today.”

_You can’t. Say no. Don’t you fucking dare say yes._

“I showered at the studio.” He says automatically. “And anyway, where even is Hoseok hyung?”

Kihyuns face darkens and Changkyun curses himself for bringing it up.

“He’s out with his-“

He doesn’t want to hear it. 

“With his...” Kihyun looks to the floor. “His... what’s her name?”

“Jaehwa.” Hyunwoo says quietly.

 _Jaehwa._

“Yes.” Kihyun nods. “His... girlfriend? I don’t know. His something. He’s with her.” And then he adds as though an afterthought. “Don’t tell Jooheonie. Or Minhyuk. Especially not Minhyuk. It’s just... you know how possessive he is over his pack mates and when hyung spoke to us about dating outside the pack... he said he’d be careful. He said he needed something else.... we couldn’t say no...”

Changkyun almost laughs because it’s so fucking funny, the same lips which kissed him were kissing others and it’s hardly a secret why Hoseok would have felt the need to find love outside his pack. Of course he’d want a pretty omega to satisfy his ruts with, a beautiful girl who was clean and pure and perfect-

(And even if they knew that Changkyun is an omega they would never want him, rather they’d want him gone. A dirty omega is worthless, and if they knew how he’d gotten into the company, his name would be little more than mud on the streets. He will never be clean or pure and beautiful, he can not satisfy his alphas. He is a disgrace of an omega and a disgrace of an alpha and he’d much rather be dead than alive-)

“Is Minhyuk hyung here?”

Kihyun shakes his head. “He’s gone out with Jooheon. Said he needed fresh air.”

_It’s all your fault, everything is your fault, you’re so fucking dramatic, he didn’t even do anything, he touched you- all he did was touch you, he kissed you, he’s your fucking mate, stop being so fucking weak, stop acting like an omega-_

“I’m tired.” He says quickly. “I’m going to go to Hyungwon hyung. Maybe sleep for a bit.”

Kihyun nods, kisses him gently on his lips but it doesn’t hurt because Kihyun is soft, he is kind and small and a beta. Hyunwoo was different. Changkyun’s learned that alphas all taste the same. He moves into the hallway with a sigh.

“Hyung.” He says quietly, entering Hyungwon’s room to see him laying on his bed, dark hair soft and messy, an elegant sweep to his brows, a twinkle in his eyes. His scent is clean, fresh, minty laced with herbs and something mildly sweet and the beta smiles as the younger approaches.

“Hey you.” He says lightly. “You were in the practice rooms weren’t you? Not in danger or anything? I knew you were fine. I told Kihyunnie not to worry.”

Changkyun manages a smile as he climbs onto the bed beside the other boy who is scrolling through his phone listlessly, sighing slightly.

“Our debut is soon.” Hyungwon says, insinuating idle conversation. “Are you excited?”

Is he excited? He’s destroyed himself to get into this company, exploited himself, lied to others, been lied to. Hated himself. Still hates himself.

“The song is terrible.” Is all he says.

Hyungwon chuckles. “You don’t like it?”

“I hate it.” Changkyun huffs. “The concept, the choreography, the lyrics... everything. Maybe it’ll grow on me. Maybe it won’t. It’s not like we have a choice, either way.”

Hyungwon puts his phone down, turning towards Changkyun, putting a hand on his arm, expression playfully serious.

“Aigoo.” He says. “A big bad alpha like you probably feels threatened by us measly betas, am I right?” He presses a chaste kiss the younger’s jaw, teasing, testing the waters before taking the dive. “You’re so cute, Kyunnie.” A peck on the lips. “But you’d better be careful, having such strong opinions about things. That mouth will get you in trouble.”

And then Hyungwon is kissing him, soft and slow and gentle and Changkyun wants to enjoy it, he wants to be able to be touched without feeling pain even if it’s just a beta who he is comfortable with first, even if it takes forever for him to be able to kiss an alpha again- but he isn’t thinking about Minhyuk. For the first time since the night his mind strays and all he can taste in Hyungwon’s mouth is nicotine and he pulls back, eyes wide.

Hyungwon looks annoyed. “What?” He says, folding his arms over his chest. “Baby, you’d better have a good excuse because things were just getting-“

“I found your cigarettes.” Changkyun blurts out without thinking and then he curses himself immediately because there was a thousand better ways he could have said it but in the end it doesn’t matter, the shock is still as profound as he had anticipated, the surprise, the fear, the uncertainty.

“I haven’t told anyone.” He adds, pulling out the box from his pocket and showing it to he elder who looks at it, speechless.

“It isn’t what it looks like.” Hyungwon begins. “I haven’t smoked in ages. It’s probably an old pack. It wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything.”

“Forget it, hyung.” Changkyun says, throwing the pack onto the bed. “I could taste the nicotine on your lips. I’m not stupid. I won’t tell the manager if that’s what you’re afraid of.” A pause. “But I’m telling Hyunwoo hyung. Smoking is dangerous.”

“If you tell hyung, then I’ll tell him that you’re permanently on scent blockers.”

And that really winds him, one second he’s alive and the next he’s being buried yet again, the pain is surreal, like a blow in the chest and he exhales.

“What?!”

“I found the cans in the bin.” Hyungwon says victoriously. “Hyungs don’t know how often you take them, do they? Wouldn’t they be angry? I’ve heard that blockers can have nasty side effects if used long terms. They’re probably why you don’t get ruts.”

_Breathe. Breathe. He doesn’t know. He barely knows what’s on the tip of the iceberg. Play it off. You’re safe as long as he doesn’t tell anyone. You’re safe as long as this is all he knows._

“I’m not going to ask why.” Hyungwon is saying. “I guess it’s a personal reason. I don’t care. It’s non of my business.”

Thank god for Chae Hyungwon.

“Okay.” Changkyun nods shakily. “Okay. You can have your cigarettes. I won’t tell anyone. But neither can you, then. Promise me.”

The smile on Hyungwon’s face is a mask of triumph.

“I won’t if you don’t.” He says simply.

_I need to change. I don’t want to be myself anymore._

They shake on it. It’s settled.

_Be careful. You’re swimming in the deep end now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...? Tell me what you think about it! ❤️


	4. Brave Smiles (head held high)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Stop fucking crying. Everyone hates you when you’re sad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been forever and this chapter is ridiculously bad but what else is new?
> 
> Tw for mentions of rape, you all know the drill by now.
> 
> Also slight dysphoria if you really squint.

He can hear the sound of water filling the tub as though it is a background noise to the infinite dizziness which is almost corroding him. He pulls himself off his knees, fingers grasping the edge of the sink and he can hardly mask the groan of pain which slips through his lips. He dips his palms into the water blindly, the soap forms bubbles on the surface and it is painfully soft to touch.

But god, it burned.

The smell of bleach becomes exceedingly apparent through the haze in his mind and he almost feels sickened. He is here again, barely a week later, dawn spilling through the warped glass of the window, trying to burn his actions out of his skin and forget they ever happened.

He hears a knock on the door. Sharp taps, once, twice, three times before he loses patience and manages to choke out words, “What the fuck do you want?” He flinches at his own tone, his own choice of language disgusts him and for a second he contemplates swallowing the bleach just to clean his filthy tongue.

Instead he waits.

“Hyunwoo hyung told you to hurry up. We’re going to be late.” The voice is light and quiet but his mind is an array of distortion and he can’t decipher this one noise from the rest.

Rather than humming in acknowledgement, he stumbles forwards- the water drips from his hair right down to his feet, he is drenched from head to toe and it keeps on flowing until he is bathing in an ocean of his regrets. He opens the door, coughing lightly as his eyes adjust to the light.

“Jooheon ah?” He murmurs. The younger boy starts in surprise, eyes widening as he steps forwards.

“Hyung? What... what’re you doing? Why are you _wet_? What-“

“Jooheonie.” Minhyuk staggers back drunkenly, his words slurring from his lips. “Don’t... don’t touch me. Go away from me I’m... dangerous.”

“Hyung.” Jooheon puts a hand out. “Are you drunk? We have a schedule, hyung. You should be responsible for yourself-“

“You know I didn’t mean it don’t you?” Minhyuk says, eyes half lidded. “I really didn’t mean it.”

“Hyung.” Jooheon says. He grabs onto Minhyuk’s arm, pulling him away from the wet tiles of the bathroom floor but the alpha exclaims in horror, wrenching his arm out of the betas grip with a cry, “Don’t touch me, please! I might hurt you again. I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry.”

Jooheon stares in confusion, checks the time and grazes his eyes over the raw skin of the elders hands, the bruise like circles around his eyes, the stench of disinfectant, “How many days has it been since you slept?”

“I haven’t slept in five days, Kyun ah. I can’t stop thinking about what I did. But you forgive me, don’t you? You didn’t tell anyone, right?”

 _Kyun?_ Jooheon feels something explicitly sickening forming at the back of his throat, he doesn’t know what this is, but whatever it is, it’s private and he knows that he shouldn’t be here. That he shouldn’t be hearing this.

“Hyung... just dry off. Change your clothes, hm? I don’t think I should be here.” He turns around, grimacing slightly, heart racing faster than he’d care to admit and fear making its way into the crevices of his bones. He feels a hand pulling him back and almost shrugs it off but he can’t, he can’t because he’s Jooheon and kindness is all he knows.

“What’s wrong hyung?” He sighs. Minhyuk’s face is streaked with tears, fingers shaking, lip trembling, he is a mess, a disaster, his hands hold tightly onto the fabric of Jooheon’s shirt, knuckles whitening, eyes filled with desperation, urgency- it’s a wild, feral look. He looks more monster than person.

“I don’t care anymore.” He whispers. “It’s been a week. Pull out my claws. Pull out my fangs. You forgive me don’t you? Can we just move on?”

Jooheon thinks that it would be selfish to give him hope, so instead he says nothing.

+

Changkyun is late.

He can feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, messages from their group chat igniting his screen but he ignores it, pulling his mask over his face as he sprints back to the practice rooms.

(He’s so stupid to have left his scent blocker behind, it’s the only thing he has right now with the supply shortage in the company, hell he’s such a mess and it’s really beginning to show.)

He pushes the door open and hurries up the stairs, entering the practice room which he’d been in, looking around desperately for the small bottle, his breathing heavy as he moves towards the place where he swears he’d left it.

_Where the hell is it?_

He searches the room, corner to corner but nothing, he doesn’t catch even a glimpse and the panic begins to grow within him, starting in his gut and rising to the back of his throat, he stands in the middle of the room, palms on his temple breathing heavily, he’s about to start crying or something stupid and he needs to bite his lip to catch himself. 

He’s about to turn around, about to leave when he sees three trainees stood at the door, tall and slim with masks covering their faces. Changkyun eyes them wearily. One of them steps forwards, holding something up in his hand.

“Looking for this?”

The first thing he notices is the alpha smell. Smoke and bark and something explicitly bitter. He steps back on impulse.

The second thing he notices is the bottle in the trainees hand. He’s far enough that he should need to squint to make it out but he doesn’t need to, no, he would recognise this even if he was twenty feet away, he can almost see his fingertips on the metal surface and he’s at a loss for words.

Scent blocker. _His_ scent blocker.

His first instinct is to lie, deny any connection, walk away free, walk away empty handed. He can. He knows that he can, but he also knows that he’d have to fly to the moon and back before they’d believe him.

His second instinct is to just run. His fight or flight urge is gnawing at him and he swallows hard before taking a step forwards.

“Give it to me.” His voice, to its credit, doesn’t shake or waver, but they are alphas, they are big and strong, they are powerful. They _use_ omegas like him.

“I don’t think so.” The trainee tuts. “Tell me, what would an alpha like you be doing with a scent blocker, hm?”

Changkyun doesn’t answer, he bites his lip, his pulse drumming in his ears, his breaths becoming shallow- any excuse has left him and his mind is blank.

“Not so big and bad now, are you?” One of the trainees step forwards slowly, eyes narrowed tauntingly. “You think you’re a wolf under all that wool? Don’t make me laugh.”

He takes another step. So slow, so exhaustless, but Changkyun is exhausted.

“Take a deep breath.” The trainee continues. “What do you smell?” He sniffs the air and scoffs. “Do you know what _I_ smell?”

Changkyun shakes his head, frozen in his place. His phone is vibrating in his pocket but he can’t muster up the courage to pick it up- all he can see is the scent blocker which belongs to him, which is rightfully his.

“I smell lies.” The trainee whispers. He tosses the bottle to one of the boys behind him and moves closer, so close that Changkyun can smell his cologne, can see the band of blue on the outside of his irises, so close that he almost throws up from the scent of alpha at such close proximity. He tried to hold his ground, but he is weak against an alpha.

“Tell me.” The trainee says, voice low, teeth gritted. “How many dicks did you need to suck to get into this company?” 

_Dirty. You’re fucking dirty, close your eyes, you can still feel him inside you, say no as loud as you want, it’s not enough and it’ll never be enough, you can change who you are and you can change what you are but you can never change what happened to you._

The room is spinning?

_You have people who care about you and you still act like you’re alone, like you’re dying, like you’re neck deep in pain and like quicksand it pulls you down. You know you are selfish and you know you’re unclean, lie all you want, they have been inside you once and they will do it again, you are nothing against them. You are an omega, made to be used, and god, were you used..._

“Do we just need to suck a few dicks and take a few in the ass to debut as well?”

_I can’t feel my legs._

“Answer me you fucking slut!”

_I feel dizzy..._

“Hey!” The trainee jerks at his collar, brows deep and furrowed in anger. “Are you deaf? Did you really think you could fool anyone, saying that you’re an alpha? You’re so fucking pitiful. Just take your shit and get out of the company. Nobody wants to look up to a whore who belongs in a brothel.”

He can’t protest even if he wants to. He can’t find fault with the trainees words.

“You didn’t deserve to debut. We’ve been here for years. It’s not right, that you were given privileges.” A pause and then he leans closer, hot breaths down his neck. “Who was it? Which one fucked you? How many times? We all know you didn’t get in for free.”

“I’m not like that.” He says weakly, but the lies are blatant, even in his own ears and the trainee backhands him across the face.

“Don’t fucking lie to me.” Glinting eyes. The smell of danger.

“Let go of me.”

Another blow, this time a punch to his abdomen and he falls to his knees immediately. “Watch who you’re giving orders to.” Another punch just below his ribs and then his scent blocker is thrown into his lap and an irritated stench basks the room. Changkyun groans but keeps his eyes trained to the ground, gritting his teeth together as the pain shoots up his ribs.

“Now, Changkyunnie.” The trainee coos. “I wouldn’t tell anyone about this if I were you. Not unless you want us to spill your little secret.” He brings his foot back and before Changkyun can say a word, splitting pain shoots up his spine and he bites his tongue in order to stop himself from exclaiming in pain.

They leave and finally his tears fall, pools of pain, ice cold down his cheeks and he clasps his fingers over his lips so to not make a noise, leaving himself gasping for air, shrouded in misery.

_Stop fucking crying. Everyone hates you when you’re sad._

+

It’s early evening and they’re waiting for food. The tension in the room is amiable and far from comfortable- side swept glances and awkward stares and Changkyun hardly dares to raise his eyes from his lap. To his credit, Minhyuk has been avoiding Changkyun enough that he himself doesn’t need to go out of his way to do so. To be truthful, half of him wishes that they could get over this, that Minhyuk could just say sorry, say that he was wrong, at least try to make amends, but the other half of   
him is glad that he can stay away from the alpha.

“Okay food’s ready.” Kihyun’s voice cuts through the tension as he enters, bowls between his fingers, distributing evenly. Changkyun thanks him quietly and feels a tug to his sleeve, turning his head to see Hyungwon looking at him expectantly.

“Are you going to tell me why you were late to the meeting?” He asks quietly. Changkyun looks down at his food. “I already told you, hyung. I slept in.” Hyungwon rolls his eyes, moves closer to the younger with a sigh. 

“I hope you realise that no one believes that.” Changkyun shrugs, picking up his chopsticks and stabbing at the food aimlessly, not really feeling hungry.

“Just because you don’t believe me doesn’t mean I’m going to change what I said.” His tone is final and he turn away but Hyungwon nuzzles into his neck insistently.

Changkyun freezes. He feels his body going hot in strange places, he feels a sudden sharp pain in his stomach and an immediate hypersensitivity which causes him to jerk away from the touch. Hyungwon looks at the younger, hurt beginning on his face but Changkyun doesn’t have time for guilt, he staggers to his feet, placing his bowl on the table and moving towards the bathroom. “I’ll be right back.” He manages to say, before entering and locking the door behind him.

_What’s happening to me?_

He clutches at his stomach as stabbing pain rockets through his lower abdomen, taking deep breaths as waves of nausea bask over him.

_It hurts, it’s hurts so much, make it go away please it hurts-_

Every place where his skin is exposed feels too hot and too cold, both equally and simultaneously and he is hyper aware of this over sensitivity which has settled over him painfully. He had felt it in the morning when the trainees had hit him, but he’d excused it for embarrassment or anger. He bites his lip as he moves towards the mirror, staring at his reflection bitterly.

He seems to have lost a considerable amount of weight, the hollows of his cheeks have become distinct and his clothes are loose on his diminishing form. He lifts the bottom of his shirt up and gapes.

_What the fuck._

Bloated. His stomach is distinct, not flat or hollowed as it usually is and even his chest his swollen- he can’t help but to hiss every time his shirt brushes against his skin.

_What’s happening, what is this? No no no, this isn’t real, this can’t be real. This doesn’t happen to me. I’m an alpha. I have to be. I need to be._

He fumbles with taking his phone from his pocket and opens up a new tab. After a moments hesitation he searches up his symptoms with a growing feeling of dread deep within him. He scans the search results quickly and the tears form in his eyes almost immediately because no, this can’t be real. Not now. Not here.

_Pre-heat._

_Pre-heat symptoms._

_Signs of an oncoming heat._

_Omega heat cycles._

One after another, the same answer and any hope is fast replaced with fear. He is out of heat suppressants and he is out of alpha pheromones, all he has is his stupid ass fucking scent blocker and it isn’t enough, it’s never enough, he may as well sign his own death warrant.

They’ll all know. They’ll know what he is. What he’s done. They’ll know that he is dirty that he’ll never come clean, they’ll wash themselves a few times and wash his scent off of them and they will be flawless, but he can scrub all he likes, he will never be able to be pure again.

_It’s okay. Wipe your eyes. Put on a brave face. Talk so lightly, hide the truth. They can’t smell what they don’t know. Keep your head held high. They’ll never see you on your knees._

He looks at his body one last time. His hips are too wide, chest too big. Forget being an omega, he hardly looks like a man. He needs to do something about that. Not now. Later.

He leaves the bathroom with a deep breath, takes his place beside Hyungwon ignoring his inquiring look and instead presses a quick kiss to his lips. The elder smiles in satisfaction and leans into him, wrapping an arm around his waist and Changkyun tries his hardest not to cringe away, tries not to think about it too much. Hoseok turns a drama on and Changkyun pretends to watch, pretends that he’s interested as Hyungwon kisses up and down his neck, as Kihyun sits on the other side of him and takes his fingers into his own- he pretends like the only thing he can focus on is not his boyfriends fingers on him and it works- for the most part.

Maybe he is too immersed in his act, because he doesn’t notice Minhyuk’s eyes on him, nor does he notice Jooheon’s eyes flickering between the two of them, weary, guarded.

 

_Step lightly, now. You know your good intentions always end up bad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think ❤️ Thank you all for your support in means the world to me.


	5. Don’t worry (you’re better than this)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if this is boring but it’s really necessary to get all this out of the way. I’ll try to update quickly next 😊.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr, username: softelegancex
> 
> Requests are open ❤️

It’s late evening when he gets the call. There’s only weeks separating them from their debut, and the early mornings mixed with practicing choreography into the late hours of night have left them all exhausted, and clinging to sleep upon every given opportunity.

Changkyun’s phone had jerked him awake and he answers it before it can do anymore harm, secretly chastising himself for falling asleep at all considering his current situation. He holds the receiver to his ear and mumbles a disoriented greeting, but the voice attached to the reply sobers him up immediately. He whispers quickly, politely, formalities lacing throughout his words and when he ends the call it takes him a moment to just gather his thoughts.

He stands to his feet, scanning the others in the dim light, realising that it would be hours before they wake and that he should probably not disturb them. He manages to slip into his shoes and out through the door within moments as he makes his way to the Starship building, fear gnawing at him far more fiercely than he’d care to admit.

+

“Ah, Changkyun. Sit down.”

Changkyun bows deeply, an expression close to endearment upon his face. He’s always revelled in the CEO’s ability to remain nonchalant despite the direness of the situation, and he sits down in a chair across from the mans desk, feigning apathy despite the anxiety which is only growing within him.

“Seongsaenim.” He says softly. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” His eyes flicker up in time to catch the CEO’s grin as he leans forwards, lowering his voice when he speaks.

“Come on, Changkyun ah. I think we’re far past these meaningless formalities, don’t you agree?”

Changkyun couldn’t disagree more, he’s attempted to place a firm distance between himself and his past despite the vivid nightmares which plague him and the blatant edginess which has been ingrained into him- he’d rather not show any familiarity towards the CEO. If anything, he’d rather keep his distance. After all, out of sight, out of mind.

But the CEO brushes this away as though it’s of little importance, placing a black file with Changkyun’s name written at the front on his desk, his expression turning serious. He opens it up and leafs through it as though he hasn’t seen it a hundred times before, as if he doesn’t know the information off by heart, as though the words may somehow change themselves into something less painful. He turns the pages painstakingly slowly and Changkyun can feel his patience wearing thin.

Finally, he fixes Changkyun with a hard stare, and Changkyun swears that there is some pity behind those stone cold eyes. Pity for the broken boy. Pity for the omega male. Pity for the communal whore. Just pure, undiluted pity and Changkyun is lying if he says he doesn’t fucking hate it, being looked at as though he is some sort of walking tragedy, being looked at as though a prostitute is all he is and all he’ll ever be and fucking hell, he’s just so tired of being used. After a long moment of silence, the CEO finally speaks, though what he’s says isn’t what Changkyun expects.

“It’s mating season, Changkyun ah.”

Changkyun doesn’t know how to react. Of course he’d known it somewhere at the back of his mind but he’d never really paid the thought much attention until now. But what is this? Why is the CEO staring at him like a predator eying it’s prey? He feels anger brew within him, and the words leave his mouth before he can stop them.

“I’m not going to be the company’s little bitch.”

He claps his hands over his mouth as soon as he says it, but it’s too late to take it back. The CEO raises an eyebrow and any sign of his semi cheerful facade disappears, replaced by cruel calculation, easy intimidation.

“Watch your mouth, Changkyun.” He says, voice hard. The tone behind his words is sinister, taking on an imperceptibly dangerous lilt and Changkyun feels his previous statement coming back at him, and he closes in on himself in defence.

“Okay. Let’s place the words you just said behind you.” The man continues. “I wouldn’t dwell on them. I’m sure you will pay for them tenfold. Just not today.” He closes the file and smiles slightly. “So. As I was saying. Mating season.”

Changkyun nods, seeing it as his cue to speak. “We... decided after No Mercy that the alphas will just... take neutralisers. We can’t afford to waste time with our debut so close.”

The CEO nods, eyes baring into the younger and Changkyun swears that they are snake eyes, cold and dark without an inch of remorse. Unlike Changkyun, he is less apathetic and more nonchalant, although he could claim for both indifferent synonyms and take them both.

“And you? Are you going to take a neutraliser, Changkyun ah? The first shipment comes in the afternoon. I doubt your betas are going to let you hide as you dispose of it. You’ve already developed an unhealthy dependency upon blockers and suppressants. They’re catching on, Changkyun. Whether you like it or not.”

And Changkyun doesn’t want to hear it, he knows that the other members will have to find out eventually but if he’s honest he’d planned to pack his things up and leave before it got to that point. He hadn’t expected them to be so eager to form a pack and despite the fact that they aren’t officially mated yet, Changkyun knows that he’ll have to shoot himself in the neck before any one of them let him leave.

“I don’t have any suppressants left.” Is all he says bitterly and he knows that upon those words that the shock which registers upon the CEO’s face is genuine.

“Your stock shouldn’t be finished, Changkyun ah. You had enough to last you until debut.” His voice is deadly quiet and Changkyun bites his lip, trying to think of an excuse. His mind draws a blank and he exhales sharply as the older man places his palm roughly in his desk. “What did you do with the suppressants, Changkyun. I won’t ask again. Answer me whilst I’m being nice.”

“I...” Changkyun can’t help the whimper which forms in his throat. The CEO is a beta, but the thought of any older man regardless of secondary gender raising his voice at him makes him cower in fear. “I used them. Of course.”

“You know you only had to take them once a week.”

Changkyun looks at his fingers. “Yeah, maybe I messed up that part.”

The room falls into a silent tension, Changkyun doesn’t dare look up and the CEO remains unspeaking. It becomes almost uncomfortable, to the point where Changkyun clears his throat and the CEO finally speaks.

“Stand up.” 

Changkyun does as he’s told. He’d be stupid not to. The older man gestures towards himself and Changkyun moves forwards until there is barely a foots difference between them. The CEO touches the younger’s forearm with a sigh. “I’m not going to hurt you. But I do need to check your arms. With proper usage, the suppressants shouldn’t leave track marks.”

He allows the man to roll up his sleeve despite knowing what’s beneath it. His shoulders slump and the CEO tuts at the bruises littering his arms and the blatant marks running up them. “You’ve made a mess of yourself.” He says and then. “You must be in pre heat right now. Or at least showing symptoms.”

Changkyun takes his arms back and crosses it over his chest defensively. “I can’t do anything about it.” He says. “I’m out of options. Can’t you at least give me some time off from schedules?”

“You know I can’t.” The CEO says immediately. “As you said, your debut is far too close. If you ask me, you should tell one of your members. An alpha, preferably, if you’d rather your secret didn’t get out. After all, at least an alpha can mask your scent with his. Scent blockers won’t work whilst you’re in heat. I told you when you chose to hide your identity, Changkyun, that it would do you more harm than good.”

_There is no place for an omega male in an entertainment company, especially not one like you, filthy and impure and rotten to the very core._

“Changkyun.” The CEO turns to say one last thing. “This is a dangerous game you’re playing. Your dependency upon these drugs is border lining an addiction. The last thing you need is to experience withdrawal once you stop taking them.” 

It takes everything in him not to laugh.

_It’s a little late for that now._

+

By the time Changkyun returns it’s dark outside and almost everyone is as he’d left them. He leaves his shoes at the door and drops onto a chair, feeling winded. Everyone had decided to crash in the living room, but it takes him a moment to realise that there are only five people around him, and not six.

“Where have you been?”

He jerks up as though he’s been electrocuted, and turns around to see Minhyuk in the doorway, skin pale and eyes wide. His scent is dull and shrouded with misery and Changkyun needs to do a double take at his ragged appearance. 

“I was...” He takes a deep breath. The uneasiness is involuntary despite knowing that he’s perfectly safe, despite knowing that if Minhyuk so much as tries anything all he’d have to do is shout and everyone would wake up. He bites his lip. “I was at the company.”

Minhyuk nods without question and Changkyun sighs with relief and says a silent thanks- but it isn’t enough for him to open up to the other boy yet. He isn’t going to hold his hand out first. Not this time.

Instead he turns around, moves towards the bathroom almost mechanically and locks the door behind him, the CEO’s words ringing sharply in his ears.

_This is a dangerous game you’re playing._

It takes everything within him not to growl in frustration as he stands in front of the mirror once again, switching the lights on and glaring at his reflection.

_How could anyone believe that you’re an alpha?_

He sighs softly, lifting the edge of his huge sweater up and pulling it over his head. He can’t help but to stare at his abdomen, the ugly femininity of it, his wide set hips ands slim waist, the bloated stomach and swollen chest. He could get away with the oversized clothing for now but he knows he needs to think of something before dress rehearsals begin and he has nothing to hide behind.

The idea comes to him quickly and he acts upon it even quicker. He pulls the medical kit out from a cupboard and opens it, locating the box of gauzes and taking them out, standing up and surveying them. They range from thin strips to wide, five inch, heavy duty bandages and he holds them between his fingers for a second. He goes with the widest bandage available, putting the rest away and extracting a pair of scissors.

He takes a deep breath, weighing his options. Finally, he places a strip upon his chest and begins to wrap the gauze around his upper torso tightly, so tight that it’s almost painful, wrapping it tirelessly, teeth gritted as he does so, feeling tears form in his eyes. He wishes that he wasn’t like this. He just wants to be normal.

He cuts the bandage and seals it, pocketing the roll and pulling his shirt down. He turns to his side and bites his lip. Not perfect. But passable. He turns to where he’d hidden his only scent blocker, feeling defeated. They have a schedule at midnight. The others will be awake soon. 

He shakes the can before directing it towards himself, pressing the button, holding his breath.

Nothing. It’s empty.

_No._

He shakes it once more and he swears he can feel panic begin within him.

_No no no. No. This isn’t real. Please._

Empty. Empty.

Fucking empty.

“Don’t do this. Please not now. Not here.” His pleas are desperate and futile in the lone night, he shakes the bottle again, hard, breaths quickening with fear because he should have enough, he should have at least something left. 

But there’s nothing. 

He throws the scent blocker to the floor, a feral cry forming from somewhere deep within him and his fingers are unsteady as he runs them through his hair, mind working fiercely as he thinks of a solution.

He grabs the hem of his shirt and inhales, it smells like nothing and soon that nothing will become sweet and desirable and omega and he can’t have that. He could try to look through a hyungs clothes, something that smells strong, something that smells like an alpha.

But he is almost in heat. An alpha smell won’t mask a smell so strong, nothing can. Nothing except-

Changkyun’s eyes widen as he reaches the verdict. He flickers his gaze to the mirror, pale skin and dark circles around his eyes, his veins visible at his temple. He’s scared. He’s so scared.

Only the smell of an alpha in rut will mask the smell of an omega in heat. And he only knows one alpha who was recently rutting.

His eyes dart to the door and then to the laundry basket in the corner. He can only hope that there’s something there that he can work with. He sorts through them lightly, desperately _god please, work in my favour just this once, the world owes me this one at least-_ and it seems that the universe has pity on him because he pulls out a large sweater and a pair of skin tight jeans which reek of alpha, of arousal, of _Minhyuk_ and he takes a breath before shrugging out of his own clothes and into the alphas.

They fall strangely. The jeans are loose on the leg but are fitted around his waist where his stomach is bloated, the sweater hangs off of his diminishing frame but he still looks so large and he repulses himself. He grimaces at his reflection, longing to at least use a cologne to mask the awful smell of _Minhyuk_ , but he bites the urge down before leaving the room.

He moves towards the living room. No one has moved from where they sleep, but neither has Minhyuk returned to where he’d lain. Suddenly the CEO’s words dance through his mind, a mockery-

_”If you ask me, you should tell one of your members. An alpha, preferably, if you’d rather your secret didn’t get out. After all, at least an alpha can mask your scent with his._

-but no one is awake, no one besides Minhyuk and he’s the last person that Changkyun wants breathing down his neck.

He pauses at the door, mind spinning. All he needs to do is distance himself from the idea of intimacy, entertain the thought that, had he been desperate enough, he would beg any alpha to scent him, and that there was nothing even mildly arousing about it. He glances over once again to the rest of his pack mates before biting his lip. He’s never asked any of the members to scent him before, and out of all people Minhyuk would be the first to do so. They aren’t talking right now. Does it matter? Could they just put that behind them?

He takes a deep breath. It’s okay. He can do this. It’s an innocent request and Minhyuk isn’t in rut anymore. And besides, if anything happens he just needs to scream. Scream and he’s safe. He can do this. Patch things up with Minhyuk. It isn’t the alphas fault he’s like this. It’s the result of his past. It isn’t Minhyuk’s fault. He needs to tell himself that. He can’t blame one person. It was never just one person.

He can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr username: softelegancex


	6. Let Me Save You (darling you deserve more)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun smiles wryly. “It’s tireless work.” He says. “It’s annoying.”
> 
> “Not to me.” Hyungwon takes a step forwards, eyes wide, eager. “Not if it’s you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are three povs in this chapter, hopefully it isn’t confusing. Just a lil tw to be safe ❤️

Minhyuk is exhausted.

It is the type of exhaustion which settles, it fills in the crevices of his hollowed joints and leaves them aching, it presses to the pads of his feet and the palms of his hands and it doesn’t go away.

He stands against the kitchen worktop with a soft sigh as the coffee machine hums whilst making his drink, the background music to the infinite dizziness and regret which plagues his mind. He wants to tell himself that when Changkyun had spoken to him there’d been some sort of familiarity and closure, but he knows that there was _nothing_ , just eyes clouded with accusation and fingers clenched with fear- and Minhyuk is afraid that nothing will ever be the same again. That everything is truly ruined.

He hates himself.

He has hated himself for over two weeks now, every time he closes his eyes, his sins whisper dirty secrets into his ears, why is hands are still dirty, why they won’t come clean. 

He hears soft footsteps in the living room but he doesn’t turn to look at the door. He closes his eyes and focuses on what he’s doing. He’s dangerous now, and he doesn’t want to hurt the other alpha again.

The steps pause for a moment, between the living room and the kitchen as though pondering considerably before taking small, tentative steps. Minhyuk’s hears them stop outside the doorframe, but still he makes no move to acknowledge them.

_Do not lose yourself again. These things aren’t games. You can’t erase your touch from someone else’s skin. Don’t make the same mistake twice._

He breathes in deeply. Once. Twice. Counts to ten. He’s about to turn around, about to say _yes I know you’re there, keep your distance, stay away,_ but before he can he feels a slight weight upon the small of his back a soft voice.

“Hyung.”

He’d miscalculated. The voice comes from directly behind him, not several paces away and he turns around sharply, about to protest, about to move away from the touch when he stops.

The clothes. Changkyun is wearing _the_ clothes. The ones he’d worn when he’d done _that_ , when he’d... when he’d...

_You’re pathetic. Get on your knees and beg for forgiveness from him. You will never deserve him._

“Move away, Changkyun.” 

He doesn’t mean for his voice to sound so harsh, Changkyun is hollow in the pale light, hollow in the sense that his cheeks are sunken and bones are prominent- hollow in the sense that his eyes are empty and aching, both equally and simultaneously.

Changkyun doesn’t move, though he does flinch almost imperceptibly. He is so small and Minhyuk can’t understand how he’s never noticed it before, his slight frame, the vulnerability in his expression. Minhyuk feels guilty.

It hurts more than he’s willing to admit.

“I want to speak to you.” Changkyun almost whispers, dropping his gaze. “I want to say that I’m sorry.”

_How pathetic, look at him standing in front of you, a mouth full of apologies and then look at yourself, waiting for someone to spit pity into your soul- pathetic, you are sickening and you will never ever deserve his kindness._

“Kyun.” Minhyuk’s voice is faint. “Kyun please.” He doesn’t even know what to say. “Why are you apologising?”

“I want to fix things with you, hyung. I hate fighting.”

_He is ten times the person you’ll ever be._

“Why?” Minhyuk’s voice is empty. “Why would you want to talk to me?”

Changkyun steps forwards. 

“Because, hyung. I miss you. I hate that we’re not talking.”

_Well then? Apologise to him as well, rip your heart out and put it up as an offering and maybe if you beg loud enough he’ll forgive you._

“Are you sure?” Minhyuk’s says tentatively. “Do you really want to?” He scans the younger for any sign of resistance but he feels as though he’s looking upon a blank canvas- Changkyun is as always, scarce and unreadable.

“Of course, hyung.” He says, a ghost of a smile upon his lips. “It was stupid anyway, right? We should just stop and put it all behind us.”

“Then I’m sorry.” Minhyuk’s voice is weaker than he expects, weaker than he wants it to be and he bites his lip in order to hide how it trembles, closes his fists so that they don’t shake. “I’m sorry Kyunnie. For what I did. There’s... there’s no excuse. Really.”

But Changkyun laughs, brushes it off. “Oh, that?” He says. “Is that what we were fighting over? I don’t even think about it. It was nothing, wasn’t it? It was just a bit of touching. Don’t worry hyung, I don’t hold it against you.”

_It wasn’t just a bit of touching, bad alpha, dirty alpha, he is lying, he is hurt._

Minhyuk smiles in relief, nods. “Well then. If you say so.”

_And yet you’ll still believe him, ignore the fear behind his eyes, of course, it means nothing to you._

Changkyun smiles back, small, soft, _too soft, don’t get ahead of yourself_ , maybe it’s too half hearted, maybe it lingers for a moment too long but Minhyuk ignores that because he isn’t kind and he isn’t under any obligation to be so-

_You could be decent, you should be. And yet..._

“Hyung.”

Changkyun is speaking again, he needs to force himself to listen- he smiles again (maybe it’s too fake, maybe it’s too forced), and hums in acknowledgement.

“Will you scent me, hyung?”

Hide the shock, hide the surprise- Minhyuk can feels Changkyun’s gaze beneath his own and he sucks in a sharp breath, biting his lip. _What are you trying to do, Kyun ah? I know that this isn’t you._

“Are you sure?” Minhyuk’s asks tentatively. He doesn’t understand- perhaps he’s being too dense. Changkyun’s expression seems wide, open, but Minhyuk knows that it’s just a lie, it always is, he’s closed up, shut off and he thinks that no one notices.

That too is a lie. Everyone notices.

“Of course I’m sure, hyung.” Changkyun says with another step forwards. His hair falls softly, framing his face, he looks young, he looks vulnerable.

He is, he is.

“This isn’t you, Changkyun. This isn’t what you want.”

Something flashes in the younger boys eyes, something dangerous, something strange and Minhyuk needs to look away.

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want, hyung. You should be happy. I know you were all wondering if I was frigid.”

Minhyuk feels his cheeks burn. “We never-“

Changkyun interrupts.

“I’m not asking for much, hyung.” There’s a hint of desperation in his voice and it causes a bitter taste to grow in his throat.

_He never asks for much. Are you really one to deny him?_

“Okay.” Minhyuk whispers. “Okay Kyun. Come here I’ll... I’ll scent you.”

It’s awkward and there’s no doubt about it, he doesn’t usually ask or consent to scent or be scented but he supposes that this is just so explicitly Changkyun that he is hardly even surprised. He opens his arms as an invitation and Changkyun obliges to moving into them, an almost imperceptible hesitance before he does so.

But Minhyuk perceives it. It makes him uncomfortable.

They don’t dwell upon courting, Minhyuk hardly puts a hand upon him, touching his shoulder gently before cradling his cheeks, tilting his head to expose his neck, his jaw, his scent glands.

His pulse- one bite and he would be out.

Minhyuk takes a soft breath and it fans out against Changkyun’s skin. He supposes that this is intimate in some strangely gruelling way, and he gets closer, lips barely a hairs breadth away from the sensitive skin, a moment, it only takes a moment.

Changkyun flinches.

It isn’t like before and he can’t just shake it off. Minhyuk doesn’t move back, but the uncomfortable prickle only grows, spreads throughout him and he speaks softly into the younger’s ear.

“You really don’t want this, Kyun.”

In response Changkyun growls, his hand comes up into Minhyuk’s hair forcing him down against his scent glands. He only hesitates for a moment before gently rubbing his cheeks against the gland, emitting a low purr as he does so, placing his hands upon the other alphas waist, closer, closer, pulling him closer. There is hardly a scent upon the younger at all but Minhyuk has gotten used to this, it hardly fazes him as his hums softly, pressing his lips against the nape of Changkyun’s neck, smelling his own musky scent as he begins to retreat.

_Closer, closer-_

Minhyuk jerks back. Changkyun’s face is flushed, his neck red and smelling of strong alpha pheromones. He’s about to say something, anything, but Changkyun turns around and _leaves_ without saying a single word.

Minhyuk bites his tongue.

_At least you didn’t get ahead of yourself._

Yes. He managed to reign himself in this time.

_It doesn’t make you any better of a person, though._

God, does he knows it.

+

Changkyun leaves.

First he leaves the room, fingers fluttering over his arms _get out, get out, I don’t want you near me, I don’t want them in me,_ breath held, softly, so very softly.

He then leaves the dorm, the door clicks shut behind him and still, he doesn’t breathe, he doesn’t _want_ to, he knows what he’ll smell, _alpha, alpha, alpha_ , he is less disgusted and more terrified- _don’t touch me, don’t feel me, I’m not yours to pollute, I’m not yours to destroy._

He is outside now, cold wind in his face, the sky is hues of ochre and violet and it should be beautiful, he should be happy and smiling in the face of the dusk but no- _take deep breaths now, clean your lungs out. Emerge from the ashes a different person. You aren’t an item, no one will use you ever again-_

There are tears in his eyes and he blinks them away.

_Be strong, be strong. This storm too, will pass._

He was meant to sort this out. He was supposed to make things right with Minhyuk, not use him and walk away-

_What you did is not justifiable, it makes you just as bad as everyone who used you._

Does it? He doesn’t mean to be as afraid as he is, but a life of pain can not be shrouded in a moment of love. They don’t seem to understand. All the love in the world can not save him. He remembers a voice, gentle and kind in the dying night, he was younger, far younger- _”Love does not mean pain, you know.”_ \- and his own voice, like an echo, a tattoo burned into his mind- _”Then what does it mean?”_

It has been years and still, still.

He does not know. 

+

Hyungwon is awake before his body fully realises it, he wakes up heavy and numb, fingers itching, _cigarettes, pills, something, anything-_ His first thought is to destroy himself and his second is to destroy someone else.

But he is good. He does neither.

He gets up, raising himself upon his elbows, mind aching as though he is hungover. The air smells sweet, pomegranates and honey, _too sweet, intoxicating,_ it leaves an acrid taste at the back of his throat and it leaves him dizzy and sick.

He isn’t half dizzy as he is sick.

He stands upon his feet, reaches a hand out _slowly, slowly,_ , using the wall as his guide. The sky is barely darkening, a lustful wine red and soon he’ll be waking everyone up, telling them that it is something o’clock and they don’t want to be late. 

Having said that, he only counts- one, two, three, four- he recounts, once, twice, consolidating that it isn’t his drug addled mind telling him a fantasy but no, there are two people missing and upon further inspection-

Changkyun and Minhyuk.

If he hadn’t sensed the bad blood between them, Hyungwon would’ve dismissed it- _”They’re off for a fuck, good on them”-_ but this is Changkyun, distant, untouchable Changkyun and Minhyuk, compulsive, obsessive, -

_Two halves of a wretched whole._

-and he can’t help but to feel worry in and amongst his deepening thoughts.

_Shit I could do with a smoke right about now._

His stomach aches, _hunger, hunger,_ but he bites it down, reaches his fingers towards his pockets and makes his way for the door.

So much for his good intentions.

The pack is half out of his pocket and he is half out of the door when he smells it, strong and smoky- _fuck no, Minhyuk, it’s Minhyuk-_ but he looks up and it Changkyun so it’s fine, Kyun knows, it’s fine.

He takes a soft breath, blood pulsing through his head, in his ears, bang, bang, _he smells like Minhyuk, why does he smell like-_ bang, bang, shaking fingers on the lighter, a flame in the darkness, _what happened, what happened, what-_ , he steals a glance at the younger boy. Did he always look so pale? So slight? Why are his eyes ringed with red? Why, why does he smell like-

“It’s a bad habit, you know.”

Hyungwon blinks, pulled out of his manic. The cigarette is half to his lips and Changkyun is watching him, careful, impassive, and he wants to reply, _of course I know, why else would I do it?_ but he just shrugs, puts it to his lips and takes a long drag.

“It keeps the weight off.” He says lightly, vaguely, a ghost of a smile upon his lips as Changkyun blinks, eyes widening and he almost wants to take his words back, _don’t hang on everything I say, it’ll only make things worse._

Changkyun doesn’t comment, thankfully, and Hyungwon really does grin then, wide and easy. He sneaks a look at the younger and sighs very softly, exhaling a cloud of soft, grey smoke. The alpha thinks everyone is stupid. He thinks they don’t realise. The scent blockers and the medication and all those needles shoved to the bottom of the bin and he thinks no one will see them and that no one will care.

Maybe they just don’t want to acknowledge it. Maybe it’s easier not to ask questions.

Finally Changkyun turns to look at Hyungwon once again, eyes glittering in the low light.

“I’m tired, hyung.” Is all he says. Very quiet. Very soft. “I feel alone.”

Hyungwon feels the pain begin in the pit of his stomach because he knows what that feels like, a hollow ache which never seems to get filled and he’d hate for anyone else to feel it. He hates that Changkyun does.

“I’ll take care of you.” He says suddenly, standing up straighter, putting out his cigarette, facing the younger. “You don’t need to be alone.”

Changkyun smiles wryly. “It’s tireless work.” He says. “It’s annoying.”

“Not to me.” Hyungwon takes a step forwards, eyes wide, eager. “Not if it’s you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it my babies ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💋💋💋


End file.
